forgive yourself: A page from my journal

June 5, 2022 2:09 PM

Wow, it’s been 6 months since I wrote to myself. Not much has changed physically and yet I can’t remember much. But it’s best that I don’t remember. I am very happy that I don’t remember much about what happened in my life. My intention is to forgive my past self with this note.

Dear the Old Uyen,

I am the new you. I am on the cusp of my new beginnings even though it hasn’t really taken off yet. But inside I feel different. I am calm like the eye of the storm. I am in the hospital now with Carmel and I feel totally at peace. I want to forgive you, after all, you’re the most important person in my life, right?

I forgive you Uyen. 

I forgive you for everything you’ve done in the past. 

I forgive you for all the bad decisions you’ve made in the past.

I forgive you for what didn’t work out.

I forgive you for picking the wrong person or relationship for you.

I forgive you for all the relationships that did not work out.

I forgive you for giving all your money away without caring for yourself first.

I forgive you for trusting people completely when they deceived you.

I forgive you for all the times that you gave yourself away thinking you were in love, but you didn’t get anything back.

I forgive you for working yourself to death.

I forgive you for not loving your body like you should.

I forgive you for not feeling beautiful.

I forgive you for not acting and working on your career because you don’t feel like it.

I forgive you for not seeing your light and not seeing your power and beauty.

I forgive you for being here on Earth when you don’t want to.

I forgive you for wanting to die and can’t.

I forgive you for being frustrated.

I forgive you for feeling rejected, abandoned, unsupported, unloved, misunderstood, alone, lonely, etc.

I forgive you for all the times that you gave but didn’t receive any amount equal to what you gave.

I forgive you for hating yourself for not knowing what to do, being confused about what you should do with your career, continuing to choose the wrong person, and continuing to work hard when you should rest, etc.

You are amazing in so many ways Uyen. You are always doing more than you can. Even though you got fucked over, unsupported, unloved, down in the shit, worn the fucked out, you STILL show up to perform your responsibilities. Who does that?

Even though you hate life, you still love the spirit that is life. Even though you don’t understand what the fuck is going on and where the fuck you’re going, you still push through every day. You want to trust. You want to love. You want to see the beauty of it all. You still love life and All That Is. You still find solace and comfort in your spirituality and rituals. Even if and even when nothing shows up. Nothing changed. And it seemed as if you were going backward to where you wanted to escape from.

When others are mean to you, you hold space for them. When others didn’t understand you, you didn’t seek to be understood. You are calm and hold space for peace when your surroundings and others freak out. You did the work so that you could hold the space for others. And yet, NOBODY sees that. Nobody recognizes the work you do. Nobody appreciates you to the degree that you need to be appreciated. And yet you persevered. Who does that?

Who can do what you do?

And you know what? You don’t give a fuck about these questions. You are a fucking legend.

Why? Because you’re indestructible. Look at your life! Look at all the shit you went through since birth? And you’re still fucking here.

You’re here to change the game, Uyen. You’re a fucking boss. You transmute shit. Like fucking Bruce Lee. You don’t have to know or understand what the fuck is going on. You DO IT ANYWAY. And you know what? Your heart is made of gold. It is always and has been intact!!! EVEN when you thought it was broken over and over again. It only appeared to be broken. It was never broken. What was broken was your beliefs about love. You actually know in your heart what the fuck love is. You are the master of love in fact. You’re here on Earth to show people what true love really is. But what you’ve experienced so far in life is WHAT IS NOT LOVE. You had to experience how humans and society feel, experience, and give love. And it isn’t it! It isn’t fucking it. YOU, yes YOU. You know what the fuck love is. True unconditional love. So now you can speak from experience. And speak to others in a way that others can relate to you. You are here to teach people how to love and what love is. How to love themselves, how to give love and receive love. How to be love and see love in everything.

Oh Uyen, the beauty that is you. The beauty that is life. Waiting to unfold for you.

You are a master my dear. You got this. Everything has been, is now, and forever will be FINE.